I know this blog should start out by explaining the name but we will get to that later. Now is not the time.
The time now is to express something I've wanted to say out loud for over a year. My children saved my life. I wanted to commit suicide. I've said it. Scared and vulnerable. Others will read this and gasp in shock or shake their heads in disbelief, but looking at my children gave me hope to try. To stay alive.
How does one get to the end of their hope? Madness. Sadness. Pure uncontrolled chaos. Mentally and/or physically. Surroundings unknown. The thought that everything would be better without them. Depression and anxiety will push you over the edge when you live in chaos.
Over a year ago my kids were with their dad for the summer and I was in the madness, looking forward to having them home, to see my only hope at sanity. Knowing I could still make their lives OK even if I couldn't fix mine made me put the pills away. The thoughts at bay.
They will never understand what they have done for me but I will forever be grateful and indebted to them for being the two most beautiful souls.